


I Think I’m Okay

by doctorsimmonswilson



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Introspection, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, eventual pregnancy, please read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28962252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorsimmonswilson/pseuds/doctorsimmonswilson
Summary: Daisy was struggling to find the right words. She was struggling to find the words to tell everyone that the sun had stopped shining. Couldn’t they see it too?[TW: suicide. Please read the tags]
Relationships: Jemma Simmons & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa
Comments: 13
Kudos: 64





	I Think I’m Okay

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry... the urge to write angst just hit me.

It never does her any good to wonder. She does it anyway. 

Daisy Johnson, no middle name. Daisy Johnson, orphan; agent; superhero. Daisy Johnson, the light missing from her eyes. Daisy Johnson, searching for the right words.

_I love you._ It’s there. She’s said it plenty. She’s had it said to her. But there’s a dull ache in her chest. She’s not sure she’s meant it more than a handful of times. She meant it when she told Jemma that she’d love her no matter what, even if she was a broken shell after Fitz’s death. Of course Jemma would never be a broken shell. Jemma isn’t Daisy. Jemma is sunshine. She’d meant it when she said it to Coulson. He’s basically her father. He was dying. Then she brought him back; different, but back. She hasn’t seen much of him since their return to their timeline. She meant it when she said it to May. Daisy loves May like a mother. She’d meant it the first time she said it to Daniel. He’d kissed her with such passion after that.

_I’m sorry._ Things always seemed to be her fault. She’d been faulted for things in foster homes and at Saint Agnes’ so many times she’d lost count. She’d blamed herself for multiple peoples’ deaths. A trail of dead bodies follows her, haunting her and eating away at her soul until she becomes a shell of a person. 

_“‘I’m sorry’,” Sister Grace admonishes, “does not even begin to cover the mess you’ve made here. You’re a very bad girl, Mary. It’s no wonder no one will take you.”_

_“I’m sorry,” May shakes her head, a glint in her eye and the hint of a smile on her lips, “but your sister really is just like you when I met you.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Daisy sniffles. Daniel shakes his head._

_“As long as you’re okay. I wasn’t using the vase anyway.”_

Everyone was always saying those words. A half apology. A half meaning behind them. Daisy never put much worth into apologies. No one ever really forgave. They either forgot, or they didn’t. Forgiveness doesn’t exist. Denial does. 

Daniel tries to convince her to see a therapist. He insists, promising he’ll go with her. He’ll go too. He’ll stick it out. Maybe she should have listened. Maybe she should have gone. 

But she hadn’t. Daisy had only pushed Daniel away until they were basically strangers living together. He still kissed her forehead, and whispered to her: I love you. It felt like a lie. How could anyone ever love Daisy Johnson? Didn't they know how horrible she was?

Jemma brings her tea when she visits. Of course she does. Jemma is British. Jemma is a perfect entertainer. Jemma Simmons is a genius not only in the study of biochemistry; Jemma reads people. Jemma can read Daisy. 

_She places the mug in front of Daisy. “I think you’ll like this blend. It’s more bitter, like coffee.”_

_“Thanks,” Daisy gives her a carefully practiced grin._

_“You seem downtrodden. Unless I’m wrong,” Jemma takes a sip of her tea._

_“No, I’m fine. I’m just exhausted. Readjusting to Earth time is no joke,” Daisy strains. Jemma lets out a delightful laugh._

_“Tell me about it.” All of a sudden, Alya comes bounding into the room. The girl sits politely next to her mother, fidgeting with a small toy._

_“Hullo, Aunt Daisy!” Alya gives Daisy a wide, toothy grin. Something dies in Daisy’s throat._

_“Hey, Al. Whatcha got there?”_

Later, Daniel would ask Daisy a question about children. She thought she might puke. How could she bring a person into this world? Didn't he know the sun had stopped shining? 

_“This is not an ultimatum or something with a timeline. It’s just a question.”_

_“Okay,” Daisy looks at him with a blank face. She swears he frowns slightly._

_“Uh, kids. Would you— do— do you see yourself having children? One day, I mean.”_

_“I have never really thought about it,” Daisy lies. Well enough, apparently._

_Daniel inches closer to her on the couch, nervously taking her hand. “Would you… be open? I think you’d be a great mom. And I think you and I could give a kid a good life.”_

_“I don’t know, Daniel,” Daisy feels sorry, seeing his face fall. “I haven’t gotten that far.”_

_“Okay, that’s okay. You haven’t gotten that far, yet.”_

She hadn’t said ‘yet’. 

She misses Coulson sometimes. When it occurs to her to miss people. She mindlessly misses the man who became like a father to her.

_“Long time, no call, huh?” Coulson makes the perfect dad joke as always._

Coulson is steady. Coulson cares about Daisy. 

_“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Daisy responds. It’s true enough, and bland enough a statement._

_“I’ve missed you. I’m dropping by tomorrow. Just thought I’d let you know.”_

_“I can’t wait,” Daisy says weakly, trying to stop herself from sobbing before they hang up the call._

_I’m sorry._ It’s what people say when someone dies. That they’re sorry for the person’s loss. She thinks a lot about death as of late. Maybe it’s her romanticizing of escaping her life. She supposes she could just run away. She could leave. She could cut off all ties. They’d stop searching for her and trying to bring her back eventually. There wasn’t the close-knit family dynamic that had kept them searching all those years ago. But she couldn’t run. Just as her team wasn’t the same, neither was she. She knew running wasn’t an escape. She’d been running her whole life. Eventually she’d realized underneath the soles of her feet there are treadmills. 

_I’m sorry._ She supposes that would have been what everyone said to Daniel if he hadn’t found her with the prescription and the tequila that fateful night. Instead, it’s what she said to him. Over, and over, and over.

She really was sorry. She really does love them.

_“So prove it,” Daniel had pleaded, sitting at her hospital beside. “I need you around.”_

Daisy proved it. She talked to Jemma and Coulson and she talked to a therapist. 

She told Daniel she loves him.

_“You saved my life.” Daniel looks up from his newspaper._

_“I wish I never had to.”_

_“But I love you for it. I love you.”_

She meant it. In the end, it would prove enough. She would see Coulson and May at least once a month. They’d go on kitschy dates like normal parents do with their grown children. She would visit Alya, and smile at Jemma and Fitz, before telling her that she would have a new baby cousin. Daisy would be okay, in time. Those are the words she tells herself everyday.


End file.
